Dear Mr. 40 year old, fat cook: I know you're just trying to get laid. But lets look at this rationally, shall we? I'm 22....you're 40. You hit on the bus girl the other day. You went out for a beer after work with my best friend and then told everyone you had a date and she's crazy about you. You have a serious attitude problem. You think you're better than EVERYONE and that you're the expert on everything. You refer to me as "One of those smart Nova Scotians", like there are so few. I ask you to fix an order that YOU fucked up and you say to me "Ok...just cause you're hot". Are you freakin kidding me?! Come on....show some kind of brain power...Even if all of the above wasn't true...you didn't hit on everything that moves, you didn't lie about my best friend to all our co-workers, you didn't put down my province (which everyone knows I'm WAAAAY too proud of) and you weren't a cocky bastard....you saying I'm hot would NEVER get you in my pants. Remember, I'm a "smart scotian"...I know that you are nasty, you are old, and you are an asshole.
Dear Mr. Friend: Thank you for your comments about my teeth. I know they are white, I know they are straight, and I also know that they came that way. Yes...It is AMAZING that I haven't had an dental work. Why are you so obsessed about setting up your friends? I mean, I know you're in a relationship...but honestly. Are you one of those crazy people who think that because you are in a happy relationship, that EVERYONE else has to be? And really...since, you're in a relationship and wanting to hook me up with your friends, should you really be hitting on me?
Dear Mr. Friend's Friend: I finally gave you my number. I am shy and I am not used to being set up, but I was convinced by Mr. Friend that you and I would get along amazenly well. I think I was also a little flattered that you said I was "smoken"...I've never been smoken in my life. Thank you...you can't have my virginity (its been gone for awhile), but you did manage to steal my 'smoken' v-card. Thank you for the call...I mean, I wasn't there but you left a message with my crazy and wacky friend. Did she scare you away? I called you back after overcoming a huge shyness barrier, you were not home...I left a message. Never heard from you again. Seriously, did something happen in the few hours between the time you called me and when you got the message I called you back?
Dear Mr. Metro Guy: I'm sorry. This one is my fault. I thought you were so H-O-T!! I made witty conversation daily, I took your free paper and didn't read them. I just needed the excuse to talk to you and make you fall in love with my shy, mysterious, flirty self. You told me about yourself, you started visiting my restaurant in the same sort of way...excuses to walk past to make smoldering eye contact. Star-crossed we were...destined to fail. I got to know you, and found out that not only are you crazy hot, you are aware of it. You're an actor and you are veryvery self-absorbed. You tell me all about yourself, at first I enjoyed learning about you....now I see that you will never be able to love me...you are too in love with yourself. I'm sorry. I still take your paper...and I still don't read them....but I have started to wean you off me...I rarely stay long chatting with you. I'm sorry...If only you were completely different, we could have been wonderful.
Dear Mr. Guy on the Bus: I see you all the time...I see you looking at me when you get on the bus....I see you eyeing me from your seat. Seriously...I think you're cute...that's why I eye you back. I'm a shy gal...you're gonna have to grow some balls and talk to me...it's easy...Its a crowded bus route....sit next to me...make small talk! My main requirement for suitors is CONFIDENCE...if you don't show some, you're gonna end up like Mr. Friends Friend and Mr. Metro Guy and, heaven forbid, Mr. 40 year old, fat cook....you'll be there, but you'll have no chance!
Dear Mr. LaSenza: Why are you working there? I hate it when guys work in stores that are obviously girl shops!! It really makes me uncomfortable when you watch me pick out my underpants. ewww!!! Plus, I saw you fingering the satin-y bras the other day. Seriously dude, that's REALLY creepy.
Dear Random Hot Guy Across the Street: Where did you go?! You brought me many moments of surprise and eye sex. Remember that day we ran into each other when you were on your way to rogers? I do...I remember it vividly...it was softly raining...you were getting a little damp...you were oh so hot....I would have lent you my umbrella if I haven't needed it and if it wasn't hot pink...not really your color. I really miss you...If only I had known you were only visiting, I would have DEFIANTLY forgotten about my 'no one night stands' rule...hell...I would have ENFORCED a 'random sex with HOT neighbour' rule!!
Stay tuned...I have many other creepy/crazy/self obsessed/HOT people in my life. I guess the good thing is: It can only go up from here ;)
Dear Mr. Friend: Thank you for your comments about my teeth. I know they are white, I know they are straight, and I also know that they came that way. Yes...It is AMAZING that I haven't had an dental work. Why are you so obsessed about setting up your friends? I mean, I know you're in a relationship...but honestly. Are you one of those crazy people who think that because you are in a happy relationship, that EVERYONE else has to be? And really...since, you're in a relationship and wanting to hook me up with your friends, should you really be hitting on me?
Dear Mr. Friend's Friend: I finally gave you my number. I am shy and I am not used to being set up, but I was convinced by Mr. Friend that you and I would get along amazenly well. I think I was also a little flattered that you said I was "smoken"...I've never been smoken in my life. Thank you...you can't have my virginity (its been gone for awhile), but you did manage to steal my 'smoken' v-card. Thank you for the call...I mean, I wasn't there but you left a message with my crazy and wacky friend. Did she scare you away? I called you back after overcoming a huge shyness barrier, you were not home...I left a message. Never heard from you again. Seriously, did something happen in the few hours between the time you called me and when you got the message I called you back?
Dear Mr. Metro Guy: I'm sorry. This one is my fault. I thought you were so H-O-T!! I made witty conversation daily, I took your free paper and didn't read them. I just needed the excuse to talk to you and make you fall in love with my shy, mysterious, flirty self. You told me about yourself, you started visiting my restaurant in the same sort of way...excuses to walk past to make smoldering eye contact. Star-crossed we were...destined to fail. I got to know you, and found out that not only are you crazy hot, you are aware of it. You're an actor and you are veryvery self-absorbed. You tell me all about yourself, at first I enjoyed learning about you....now I see that you will never be able to love me...you are too in love with yourself. I'm sorry. I still take your paper...and I still don't read them....but I have started to wean you off me...I rarely stay long chatting with you. I'm sorry...If only you were completely different, we could have been wonderful.
Dear Mr. Guy on the Bus: I see you all the time...I see you looking at me when you get on the bus....I see you eyeing me from your seat. Seriously...I think you're cute...that's why I eye you back. I'm a shy gal...you're gonna have to grow some balls and talk to me...it's easy...Its a crowded bus route....sit next to me...make small talk! My main requirement for suitors is CONFIDENCE...if you don't show some, you're gonna end up like Mr. Friends Friend and Mr. Metro Guy and, heaven forbid, Mr. 40 year old, fat cook....you'll be there, but you'll have no chance!
Dear Mr. LaSenza: Why are you working there? I hate it when guys work in stores that are obviously girl shops!! It really makes me uncomfortable when you watch me pick out my underpants. ewww!!! Plus, I saw you fingering the satin-y bras the other day. Seriously dude, that's REALLY creepy.
Dear Random Hot Guy Across the Street: Where did you go?! You brought me many moments of surprise and eye sex. Remember that day we ran into each other when you were on your way to rogers? I do...I remember it vividly...it was softly raining...you were getting a little damp...you were oh so hot....I would have lent you my umbrella if I haven't needed it and if it wasn't hot pink...not really your color. I really miss you...If only I had known you were only visiting, I would have DEFIANTLY forgotten about my 'no one night stands' rule...hell...I would have ENFORCED a 'random sex with HOT neighbour' rule!!
Stay tuned...I have many other creepy/crazy/self obsessed/HOT people in my life. I guess the good thing is: It can only go up from here ;)
