An Update

One thing I've never really mastered was the ability to see myself as only myself. For some reason I have always seen myself in many different ways....and I don't think this is a good thing. Instead of seeing one whole, complete Melissa I see a fragmented view of myself. I'm a waitress, I'm a student, I'm reliable, I'm smart, I'm really really funny, I'm quiet, I'm loud, I'm disagreeable, I'm passive, I'm fiesty, I'm laidback, I'm chill, I'm tense, I'm a bearbuilder, I'm great with kids, I lose my patience, I'm a worrier, I'm a sucker for amusement rides, I'm stuck in the past, I'm addicted to the unknown of my future, I'm terrified of commitment, I want more than just sex, I'm a people pleaser, I love saying No, I'm unable to say No, I'm easy to get along with, I'm a difficult person to know, I'm lazy, I'm full of energy....who am I? Some kind of mixed up combination of all of these traits? And if that's so, I'm ok with that...what what is the percentage? How can I really start to know and appreciate myself if I can't even define who I am?

I see my friends finding love and getting married and having babies, but I can't even manage let myself want a relationship beyond a purely sexual one. What is with that? I found the most unavailable emotionally guy I know and decided that he would be the one who I would lose myself in for the summer. And now September has arrived and just like that, I"m finished with him as quickly as it started. Why? Because the fact that I could get hurt scares the shit out of me. So many people seem concerned that I will get hurt with this relationship, but I don't think they see the changes that have occurred within me in the past year. I no longer want to be in that amazing relationship. I don't want to be getting married anytime soon. Giving yourself over to someone else just gives them the power to hurt you, even if they don't mean to. And not only that....it gives youthe power to hurt yourself. No way....I'm decided that relationships are not worth it. From now on, I'll stay with the sex buddies and I'm happy with that. Honestly....I"m happy for all my friends who are getting married and having kids...but I still think your nucking futs. honestly...you are.

Maybe I'm interested in seeing myself as different aspects of a personality because I want to know how others see me as well. How do all the people whose opinions I value see me? Of course I hope they have a good opinion of me, but really...how can I really know? Maybe they see all the faults that I try so so hard to keep hidden. Like the fact that sometimes I think I'm so morally superior to other people. Maybe its not just a moral thing...maybe I just think I'm better sometimes....and that is a horrible way to be. But back to the moral thing...I think I hold too many people to MY moral standards...isn't that a horrible way to be? Honestly....where did I get the idea that people should live up to MY standards? I think its because I feel my values so strongly that the things that I value, I also respect in others. So when they fail to live up to my expectations, I kinda feel let down by them. I hope people up too high...it's only a matter of time before they fall. Maybe that's why I can't define myself either...when I start to get to indepth I start to realize that perhaps, I'm falling too.