While reading "Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town", by Stephen Leacock, today I realized that I think the portrayal of love in novels and movies is very unsatisfying. Peter Pupkin describes his first look of Zena Pepperleigh as "such a singing of bird, and such a dancing of the rippled waters of the lake, and such a kindliness in the faces of all the people" (p. 101). Last night watching 'Original Sin', Luis tells Bonny that she has no past before him...She was born the day the stepped of the boat and married him. While these are very romantic sentiments, I think they are bullshit. Our whole society is so obsessed with finding love and creating lust that you can't go anywhere without seeing it. You can drive down the street and see billboards devoted to selling rum or cologne based on lust. I can by no mean claim that I am unaffected by these ads, nor can I say that I am a non-participant in the search for love, rather it seems as though I am constantly looking for love or lust or something in between. My fact is that, the whole idea of love-lust or lust-love is nuts. As we all know, I was once in fall down, do anything, believe anything love...and I have really no recollection of it. I remember lust, anger, melancholy, contentment, disappointment and bright happy feelings; but no real semblance of the love showed in movies and books. This is why I have depicted my ideal love. This was actually really fun to do, and I recommend it to everyone...Figure out what you want, not what you're told you want.

My ideal [in the first person ;)]
I'm shallow, so you have to be hot. You have to laugh, have to attempt to break down my walls, you have to think I'm great (you don't have to tell me, but I have to know). You need to understand that I'm shy and self-conscious and independent. You can't attempt to clip my wings. You can't put demands on me, You can know that I'll do anything for you, but you can't act like it's true. You'll invite me, but you won't be annoyed if I decline. You won't push my shyness. You won't force displays of affection, but you'll know I feel it. You'll love staying in with me. You'll appreciate it when I make the effort to look hot. You'll know when to cut me off at the bar, but you won't try a second before. You'll LOVE my axl impression, you'll love my geeky side. You'll watch shitty TV with me, without making annoying comments. You will mock people with me, because I can't be the bitchy one in the relationship and you'll know enough not to talk politics with me.

In return, I will watch hockey with you and provide commentary about players, coaches, goalies and why Toronto is better. I will push you to have boy night because I'll need some space too. I will always shave my legs and buy very pretty underpants. I will always give head, and I will enjoy it. I'll make dinner and I'll make cookies. I'll proofread all your papers. I will always call you on being a dick. I'll tease you and flirt with you. I'll be cute and funny and always make your friends laugh. I will not drink beer but I'll go with you to a dive bar. I will know that you are funny and smart and hot and great in bed and I'll tell all my friends all about it. I'll watch action movies with you because I actually like them too. I will never expect you to make embarrassing declarations of love because I would be totally mortified. You can take me home to meet your parents, but not too soon cause I'll freak out.

I'll probably be drunk the first time we have sex because I get nervous. Because I'm drunk I'll probably think you were bad, but it's ok because i'll be great and you'll have another chance soon. You will probably be surprised by the extent of my dirty talk, but it will be a good surprise. You'll be surprised because we'll have sex fairly soon, but you'll know it's cause that's how I am: straight-forward and I hate awkwardness. You will probably be jealous when I flirt with your friends, but you get that I'm just a flirty girl and I'll never do anything to hurt you. You'll also get that I don't sleep with just anyone, so you're very lucky.

When we fight, I'll always call back first. I'll never use tears as a weapon; you'll know sometimes I just need the hug. I will freak out and argue about all the dumb stuff but I'll always be sweet and sorry after. You'll probably get angry because I have walls and you'll probably think it's not worth it and we'll probably fight because I can really hold myself back, but then you'll start to realize that it's because I was really hurt before and get scared easily and when I hold myself back it's because I'm terrified. When this happens you won't leave. You'll come over and we'll sit and do nothing, but you'll be there.

I will continually shock you; you will love all these surprises. The fact that I constantly laugh at myself will be what you will love first. After that it will be the surprises; I will be anything but boring. I won't know you love me because I'm too scared of it, and I won't know I love you until we have a huge fight about how I hold myself back. I'll convince myself that there is something wrong with you and I'll talk about it with my friends, and then You're going to have to work hard to change my mind.

Obviously, this is just MY ideal...Naturally there is a lot of fighting because I am a very argumentative person. But hey....This is just me ;)

I don't know why it bothers me

I don't know, to me friendships can only grow stronger by sharing things about yourself and letting your friends into your life. I don't know why I become so upset when I find out that the people who I think are my closest friends here keep things back. I don't know. I mean, I don't need to know every aspect about their lives, I don't expect them to run every decision by me first, but it just hurts when I find out that basic things are kept back. Or when someone else knows the information, but they never thought to tell me. This seems so elementary to feel this way. I think I do because I share everything; I can't help but share everything. I become tight with people very quickly and become comfortable with them very quickly, so of course I'm going to share. But...what about those people who aren't new to me? Those people who seem to tell me all the important things, those people who use me when they need a sounding board or someone just to listen to them? You can't just use a person to tell them the things that are pissing you off or bothering you, and then disregard them with other information. That's not how friendship works.

I don't know why it bothers me. I don't know why I let it drive me nuts. I don't know why it makes me feel so alone; like I'm all alone here. It makes me feel like I should start holding myself back from people and not sharing my life. And I hate that feeling. I hate doubting all the people who I have come to love. How can I not doubt though...how can you trust anyone to give you the whole truth? Why can't people just be who they are, and be who they say? Why is this all happening at once? I mean...three people...three of my close people...I'm begging you...if anyone else does this, let me know now. let me get over it all at once.

Just a rant, just licking some wounds, just trying to come to terms with a changing view of my world.

Things

I think we all have a point in our young lives that we decide that we are going to suck it up and grow up. Of course this point does not necessarily come easily or at one time, but there is that point that we realize that we're of the age to start taking care of our shit. This is a point that I have fought back and forth with for awhile. While I know I should start acting like an adult, I can't help but feel as though I don't want to. I love being on my own and have the freedom to make my own decision, but I don't know how I feel about making decisions of my own. It seems as though being an adult would constitute making your own decisions and sticking with them, and lets be honest...that has never been my strong point. To be completly honest, I can't make a huge decision without talking to my mom about it, and even after I talk to her, if my dad makes any kind of objection, I immediatly take his thoughts into consideration as well. I don't act like an adult; I feel like a 3 year old screaming that she's no longer a baby. How do you get over this?

My main issue is I REALLY do not want to go to Alberta and work on a newspaper there. In essence, its everything I want; I want to write, I want a job, I want to be around family. But, in actuality, it is everythign that I don't want. I am so happy here right now, why would I want to leave it? I'm sick of moving around and expecting my life to start once I do. This makes no sense, no matter how great it would be to have a writing job, I think it would be retarded to make myself unhappy just to obtain what I THINK may be a goal. The thing that is really killing me about this is I really dont' want to disappoint my cousin. She always says that I go out and get what I want, and I don't want her to change that opinion of me. I want her to still respect me, but I'm scared that if she sees this as throwing away an opportunity she's going to look down on my decision. I guess its a good thing that I have someone who I care so much about what they thing, but really this is driving me crazy.

Quotes

Ok...I want to go to bed, I just wanted to put down some quotes that I have been enjoying lately:

1. When you can't run, walk. When you can't walk, crawl. When you can't crawl, well...you find someone to carry you.
2. She understands, but she doesn't comprehend.
3. “Maybe this is why so many serial killers work in pairs. It's nice not to feel alone in a world full of victims or enemies. It's no wonder Waltraud Wagner, the Austrian Angel of Death, convinced her friends to kill with her.It just seems natural. You and me against the world...” -Chuck Palahniuk
4. “What you have to consider, is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.” -Chuck Palahniuk

Night!! Update later ;)

EDIT!! Ok..strangest thing! I was was just like, Hey...I really like this Chuck Palahniuk guy...he's freakin hilarous...dark and awesome! I'll look him up....WOW he's also a novelist!! I should get one of his books...I bet they would be awesome!! And what do I find?!! He's the author of Fight Club and Choke...two books that I HATE! haha Kinda makes me want to reread them, but i figure my opinions now would be tainted by my love for his quotes...I'll stay with the 'no to the novels, yes to the quotes'. Afterall, “You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”